Drug of Choice

There’s this disappointment that takes over your mind and fills up the insides of your gut, and it’s just disappointment over disappointment over disappointment. The problem is that it’s not only a feeling, it’s your mind starting to tell you that you’re never going to get out of this, that no matter how hard you try you will always fall short. You will always fall short of getting better. 
You’ve gotten through the whole day, but the night creeps in. It keeps you up at night. You need it. You told yourself you don’t, but your body tells you that you do. So who’s in charge? You or your body? 
You try to exchange that dirty habit for anything else, some habits are just as dirty as the one you are trying to get rid of, and yet you will do anything to get out of this mess, even if it it isn’t logical. 
And at the end of the night, you’ve tried everything. You’ve tried abstaining, you’ve tried replacing. You’ve tried negotiating. You’ve tried meditating. But you lay awake on your bed, your mind screaming for it. And you realize that it’s not actually your body that needs it, but it’s your mind that needs to be soothed. 
Giving in to it feels so pathetic, to the extent that you don’t even enjoy it any more, you do it out of habit. You’ve conditioned yourself that in this situation the only thing that will make things better, is it. But it doesn’t, and you know that it doesn’t, yet you still give in to it. 
Read it again and replace “it” with your drug of choice.  

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