It’s that look of disappointment. A look of shame from the people that mean most to you. And that you’ve failed them, again…
Everyone tells you what to do, you can see how they feel with a look of pity. But these looks are not just glances that pass with a split second; they are like arrows lit on fire, and they are bound to hit you.
You can hear it in their huffs and their puffs, the unsaid words of “What am I going to do with you now? I already told you how to help yourself” and they are burned in your mind that you are a disappointment.
And it’s not like you want to disappoint them. You know how much they’ve done for you.. and all you want is to carry that weight that they carry for you.
The problem here is that they don’t remember these glances… but you do. Yeah they remember the last time you screwed up, but they are still there for you.
The glances that are burnt in your mind are due to the guilt you feel towards those who have carried you, but you just can’t seem to accept their love. (It’s a two way thing, that you feel you don’t deserve to be loved, and that the way they show love seems to hurt.)
Me, these glances are burnt so deep I stopped talking about my screw ups. But please, please don’t wait for it to get that bad. Find someone who loves you truly, and who will be there EVEN WHEN you screw up again.
When you don’t share your screw ups, you literally are keeping shit inside your soul. And the core of who you are is your soul.
I pray you find someone who’s willing to go through it with you, so that your core does not rot from the disappointment you’ve become to yourself.