Many times I thought I was the one doing this to myself. That if only I went out more, or put myself out there; things would be different. Everyone told me to get busy and immersed in the things I love. But I can tell you that it doesn’t work, because all you do when you immerse yourself is cover up your wound with a huge T-shirt and at the slightest movement; you can break down.- it’s not pain either, I don’t know what it is, but its there.
Breakdowns are horrible- I don’t know what yours consist of, but mine are not pretty. They can be silent and can go unnoticed for sometime, and then they pounce and BAM- Crazy Rollercoaster begins.
I don’t know what it is or why it happens, if I did then I would have fixed it by now- but I can’t.
I have a very strange habit of watching myself in the mirror while I cry. I used to see those tears stream down and a whole load of demeaning words would come out. And I’d watch an inner voice in my head erase the sparkle out of my eyes.
After a long journey of working on myself (which I’m still on), it still pounces, but what has changed is how I deal with it. I learnt that I may not be able to control it, because these are feelings, they are present, and if you try to kill one, you kill all; the good and the bad. You have a choice about how you deal with the crazy in your head.
The crazy in your head doesn’t have to be a permanent resident… Choose your method with dealing with crazy wisely because they are fast learners with destructive weapons. They will shoot down any ray of hope. You can learn to befriend him- I’ve gotten to the point where I negotiate with her.
We all deal with different demons in our minds, but they don’t have to stay.